9: 30 am

Mom left last night. I don’t know where she went. But she’s back home now in bed, so I’m glad she’s ok. I started to freak out since I called her a few times around 12:45am and she didn’t answer. But she cane home about 45 minutes after that and I could sleep easy after I knew she was home.

I was thinking a lot last night in my bed like I usually do. You know how they say in all the media message that girls and guys are being told they’re inadequate. That is guys aren’t tough and strong, and girls aren’t thin and sexy, they aren’t good enough. They don’t measure up to expectations, they basically don’t make the cut. They fail. We get a lot of that from the outside world of the internet, magazines, and television. For God’s sake, who came up with the show “Battle of the bods?” Seriously!

But most people say that in our inside worlds, we’re accepted. By our families, parents, siblings, friends, etc. who care about us and don’t care if we measure up to their standards in the outside world. But how would you feel if the people in your inside world were always asking for more? Never satisfied with the way you are? Always telling you all your faults, even when you try your hardest to make them happy?

That’s how I feel sometimes with my family. Not so much my Dad, I know he appreciates me, but my Mom. I’ve always tried to not be the burden of the family, not ask for much, always do what I’m told, don’t rebel at all. But it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. My Mom still yells at me for things I find really small like she did yesterday. She’s even insulted me before with things like “You were smarter when you were 5 years old” and after passing my highschool graduation proficiency tests, “imagine how good you would’ve done if you actually tried hard.” Seriously what Mom says that? She doesn’t even know how hard I try to be a good, low-hassle kid around here. I think she takes me for granted.

And it comes to the point where it doesn’t feel like it matters what I do, that she’ll still be upset with everything I do whether I’m good or bad, so why not just be bad and not care anymore? I’m always feeling THIS CLOSE to the point where I snap and do something crazy like hurt myself or break something or hurt her. I don’t think I could ever reach that point though, but I’m always feeling uncomfortably close to it. I want to get farther away from that point and be able to say I’m fine, everything’s fine, I’m relaxed and everything’s ok, but every time that woman just screams at me and Dad for another stupid thing until the end of time, I just feel myself getting close again. It’s never ending with her.

It’s like all those skinny bitches on the magazine covers who you try to look like. You try your hardest in every aspect, and even if it’s good enough for you it’s not good enough for them, so you fail.